Why I don't yell anymore

I thought I was going to have to beat her with a stick to get her to do her share of the 'chores' around the house. (Figuratively, not literally!) I didn't think it was much to ask that the dishes find thier way to the kitchen counter, that a meal gets cooked every couple of days, and that she does her laundry. But for a while there it looked like we were going to fall back into that pattern where she doesn't do anything, I yell at her until she begrudgingly gets up and does a half-a$$ed job and then goes and sulks in her room until it is time to begin the pattern again. We've been doing this pattern for years, a decade really, since she was old enough to have a "chore" that was her's to do.

But I've decided that I don't LIKE the pattern. It doesn't make me feel like a good parent - or a good person. I just don't want to be the person who is constantly yelling. So I don't. I don't yell anymore.

And the suprising thing? The chores got done anyway.

AND they got done BETTER than if I had been screaming at her to get her to do them.

She already knows she is responsible for doing them. I don't need to tell her that again. I need to SHOW her that I depend on her to do them, and when she doesn't then I can't do the things that she depends on me to do.

To pick an example from last week: if there are no dishes by the sink, then I can't wash them. If I can't wash them then there are no clean dishes to use when she wants to eat. So until she put all her dishes by the sink I just didn't do the dishes. I made sure that there was a good reason I didn't do them (I WAS working a lot that week!). And then one day suddenly all the dishes appeared AND some of them got washed - BY HER! That isn't even on of her chores!

I won't say that the odd dish doesn't get missed anymore, but now at least it is about even between us. I'll leave a dish by my bed, or she will leave one in the livingroom, but I'm not missing 8 out of 12 of the dishes, or most of the spoons, or any of the plates any more.

And the best part? She's now looking out for other things that need doing. She cleaned out the freezer and fridge the other day. Its been on my list of things to do for weeks, and I kept hoping I'd have the energy to do it one weekend, and then one day I came home and it was done! It was amazing!

I'm starting to LIKE my daughter again. I've always loved her, and that will NEVER change, but for a couple of years there I really wondered who had stolen her and replaced her a surly unresponsive, irresponsible clone. Now I'm seeing the responsibility that I knew she had in there somewhere coming to the forefront again, and I'm really enjoying her growing awareness of her responsibilities. And, you know, I think she is too!