Don't engage the anger.

We've... *I've* set up a pattern where my daughter, as many kids now a days do, thinks that it is MY job to solve HER problems. The transition to her being responsible for her own problems has been bumpy to say the absolute least, but every year - every DAY - she gets better and better at it, and I see her learning to problem solve and the pride she has in being self sufficient even through the anger and attitude that is the face she shows me. But only because I have learned... finally... mostly... to not mirror that anger and frustration back to her. I have learned... mostly... finally... the that important parenting lesson: Don't engage the anger, it just validates it. Some days it is a mantra that I have to say over and over again:

Night before last she slept over at a friend's house. She got a ride up there from another friend who was also going, but hadn't thought out how she was going to get home. She knows I don't drive - I haven't in almost a decade. But still I get the phone call a bit after noon "Mom, come get me... or call Grandma to come get me." Grandma - by the way, because I didn't call her - was at the farm an hour out of town, and without owning a car HOW did she think I was going to get her? So I refused. Politely, but actively, even when she told me that I was "putting what you are doing above your daughter. Nice." with all the sarcasm a 15 year old can muster. Remember the rule? Don't engage.

She had lots of 'reasons' that she couldn't get home on her own, "This is the suburbs, there are no busses", "My friend's parents are to busy to give me a ride", but they were just excuses. Eventually she told me that I clearly didn't love her, but I do, I just refuse to be manipulated. And you know what? Eventually she made her way home. And when she got home and I was still working in the yard, where I had been when she called, she stormed past some pissed off. But I just said "Hi, hon" and let her go. Nothing I said would have helped. Most of it would have hurt. Practice the rule: don't engage.

About an hour later I finished the yard work and went back inside, I could see she was still annoyed so I left her to it. I worked around the house instead. She called me annoying. I worked and worked. She refused to help - even though I hadn't asked. Cleaning happened. The pictures that have been waiting for weeks got hung. I read a book. She sat and looked angry. I watched TV. She sat and looked angry some more. I didn't ignore her, I just wasn't going to accept any part of the anger. I'm not angry at her, and engaging will just transfer the anger to me. Remember the rule.

About 6 pm I cooked dinner. She came in and started talking to me instead of accussing me and I responded. By 8pm as I was cleaning up we ended up talking and laughing and having a real conversation about some problems she was having at school. One of those perfect mother/daughter moments that a year ago I wasn't sure I would ever see again. It is amazing how much our relationship has changed - for the better - as I let (and sometimes MAKE) her be responsible for herself and her own problems.